Survival Update

The world is yours

What is it about power cuts? They bring out the survivalist in us.

You know how it goes. I tried to flick the light on. Nothing happened, so I went clickclickclickclickclick with the switch. Then I went into the next room and did the same. Then I yelled, ‘The power’s not on!’ and went to the fuse box and flicked all the big switchy things (stop me if I get too technical) then screamed, ‘Yep, the power’s gone!’ Then I looked at the cooker clock and it was blank, so I said, ‘Yep, there’s definitely no power.’ Then I ran to look out the window to see if any of the neighbours’ lights were on. They weren’t, but it was only just getting a bit dark, so I didn’t know if I was alone in my predicament or if there had been a zombie apocalpyse. I had to take drastic action.

I left knives by the front and back doors in case of zombies, then went out into the street in my slippers. I met other neighbours, also in their slippers. We said, ‘Have your lights gone out? My lights have gone out. Oh, hello George, have your lights gone out too? Here comes Sheila, her lights must be out too. Well, good luck then.’ Then we all shuffled back indoors in our slippers and all felt a bit sad and like we were in the war.

Then the boyfriend and I ran around looking for candles. There were no candles, because we are too old for birthday candles, so I sent him to the shop for candles and matches and chocolate, then worried there’d be none left because of looting, but then he came back and I lit the candles and placed them around the house, then I worried about them burning the house down and moved them all again.

Then we were like, ‘OK, let’s watch telly, oh no. Ha ha. Then we panicked our mobiles didn’t have enough juice and how were we going to wake up tomorrow without the phone alarm and this has to stop! Tomorrow we’re buying an old-school alarm clock, this is ridiculous! Or maybe we should get a cockerel?

This sort of thing makes you realise how spoilt we are – we can’t last a minute without electricity. This is just a taste of what would happen if the state collapsed! We need to be less reliant on the government! In other countries they can live perfectly well off the land. If there was an apocalypse we’d die straight away! First thing tomorrow I am getting us a generator, solar panels, a well dug in the garden, and we are growing our own veg. We need to go back to nature! I feel helpless! I feel vulnerable. WE CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS, TOMORROW WE TAKE CONTROL OF OUR DESTINIES. Oh, the lights have come back on, I’ll put the kettle and the oven on and charge our phones and put on the telly. Thank God for that.